Gino Wolfe
"Speaking out has allowed me to grow as a man, father, and spouse...I finally feel that I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see."
Awake: Gino, thank you so much for being willing to share your story with us. What would you like to share about yourself and your life apart from your abuse?
Gino: I’m 61 years old, and I have a beautiful wife and three wonderful sons. I’m a marriage and family therapist and enjoy working with children. I chose this second career, after 30 years in the Navy, to help families and children that have suffered abuse because I know how difficult life can be without help. I used alcohol as my coping strategy for all my life. However, I have been in recovery and substance-free for eight years to date.
Q. Gino, your life of service to our country and to the families and children who are your clients is admirable. It is heartbreaking, however, to hear about the suffering that resulted from abuse. What would you like to share about the abuse you experienced?
A. I was an altar boy from the time I was eight years old until I graduated high school. It seemed like I lived at the church: serving Masses, setting up for the holidays, or just staying overnight at the church and the attached living quarters. My involvement at my church became the context for my abuse. I have very early memories of the priest at my church touching me, feeling through my pants, and massaging me naked and clothed. As I got older, the abuse became more frequent and involved. I remember receiving a gold cross necklace from Father that I cherished for many years, until I found out at the trial that it was how he and his fellow predators identified the boys they abused. I thought I was so special as I was only one of two boys who received the cross.
Q. This sounds like a tremendously difficult discovery, Gino. I'm so sorry about the abuse you experienced. I imagine that all of this had a far-reaching impact. What has been the most difficult or challenging about your journey as a survivor?
A. The regrets and loneliness that I lived with for over 40 years. I regret not speaking up when I was younger. If I had, I could have saved others from the abusers, as it went on for quite a few years after I aged out. The loneliness was difficult and caused by male stereotypes about toughness. How did I allow myself to be abused? It has been a difficult life.
Q. Thank you for raising our awareness to your experience of being a man and a survivor of abuse. You have a valuable perspective. Why have you chosen to share your story with our community?
A. I stayed quiet for over 30 years due to embarrassment, sadness, and regret. However, when I retired from the Navy and sought treatment for my military-related PTSD, my abuse came out, and I was able to be treated for that as well. I was quiet and untreated for too long. However, I understand the struggles survivors must deal with, and I hope to ease some of the pain and suffering of those in similar situations. They are not alone, which I have learned through therapy and being involved with Awake.
Q. Thank you for trusting your story to the Awake community, Gino. Your message that no one is alone is powerful. What else have you learned that you think other victim-survivors might benefit from hearing?
A. Try to let go of your shame about being abused as there are many of us out there. Seek help early on by seeking therapy, joining organizations such as Awake, and becoming an advocate for other survivors. Speaking out has allowed me to grow as a man, father, and spouse. It freed me of my demons, my excuses for my excessive alcohol use and other mental health issues. I finally feel that I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see. For many years I lived in silence, keeping my emotions and story to myself because I didn’t believe in healing by speaking out. I believed it was embarrassing and a sign of weakness that anyone, especially a male, allowed themselves to be abused. However, through therapy and a clear mind in the absence of alcohol, the fog was lifted, and I found that talking about my abuse saved me.
Q. Thank you for sharing these lessons from your experience. What makes you feel strong?
A. Speaking out and telling my story has been therapeutic and made me feel strong. People need to talk about their abuse and the emotional toll it took on them. Some men may feel, like I did, that admitting they were abused makes them seem weak or that sharing their feelings is not something men do. My perspective has changed since I sought assistance. Speaking out is a way to help others. I feel liberated and strong when I can share my story with others.
Q. Yes, telling your story is a courageous act, and we are grateful you are willing to share it here on the Awake blog. Who or what inspires you or gives you hope as a survivor?
A. Survivors of abuse who find the courage to speak about it inspire me. My clients are young children who speak to me about their abuse at the hands of their parents or other authority figures. I wish I were that strong when I was a child. Also, the amazing survivors who are involved with Awake also inspire me. The survivor groups, especially the men’s group, have shown me that I am not alone. Previously, I dealt with my abuse and the aftermath on my own, which was self-destructive for me. Now, I feel a connection to other survivors that I have met through Awake. I have never felt a connection such as this. I’m not lonely in my survival anymore.
Q. The importance of speaking out, both for the sake of oneself and for the sake of others, comes through clearly in your story, Gino. Are there any other important ideas you would like Catholics to understand about sexual abuse in the Catholic Church?
A. First, abuse can happen anywhere, anytime, and if we survivors or advocates of survivors do not keep the pressure on or speak out, abuse will continue. We are the caretakers of future generations, and it is incumbent upon us to protect others.
Also, I think it is important to remember the abuse we have endured is a result of individuals and not the organization as a whole. The Catholic Church has been an enabler over the years, but these terrible acts were committed by individuals of the Church and are not a reflection of tenets of Catholicism. I firmly believe you can still be strong in your faith, as well as participate in prayer and Mass; this has been my experience, though I know this is difficult for many survivors. Being part of church activities and helping others helps me in my recovery by making me a stronger and better person. I always felt that I had this Scarlet Letter on my body and soul which prevented me from opening up to others. Now, I’m not ashamed of who I am anymore and do not have to put on a facade. I can be that loving, helping, empathetic, and compassionate person I always wanted to be. I feel comfortable with who I am. It’s kind of like exorcizing your demons.
Q. Thank you, Gino, for raising our awareness that abuse is an ongoing crisis and that part of our responsibility to future generations is advocacy against it. We wish you well. What have we not asked you about here that you’d like to share?
A. I wish there were more organizations like Awake at the forefront of the fight against this terrible disease in our society.
—Interview by Catherine Burke-Redys
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Gino Wolfe for sharing his story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Gino’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Survivor Care Coordinator Esther Harber at estherharber@awakecommunity.org.
