Valentino “Val” Borrelli
“My wish is to help the laity understand that abuse victims are not some delicate flowers that can’t handle life because of the abuse. We are valuable members of society and … we deserve the chance to be heard.”
Valentino “Val” Borrelli, 56, lives in Windsor, Ontario, across the river from Detroit, and has been employed as an autoworker for the company Stellantis for almost 30 years. His parents, Santo and Vera, immigrated to Canada from Italy in the early 1950s. He is the youngest of their four children, all of whom are much older than he is: Andria is 20 years older, his sister Marisa, who recently passed away after a bout with cancer, was 18 years older, and his brother Ozzie, who is also deceased, was 16 when Val was born.
He recently discovered a passion for making abstract art. “And I would get in trouble with my magnificent fiancée Sonia if I didn’t mention my love for all things Latin, especially the music and culture,” Borrelli says. “I have been discovering more and more about myself as I heal and walk this journey through its paces.”
Awake: Welcome, Val. We’re honored that you are willing to share your story with us. Thank you! As we begin, what would you like to share about your abuse?
Valentino Borrelli: My spiritual vacuum started early in my life with the death of my father Santo when I was 4 years old. My family was very religious and to help me deal with the loss of my father, my mother and sister decided to take me to St. Angela de Merici Church to talk to the priest, who began the grooming process with me from about the age of 6 years old.
When I became an altar server at 7 or 8, it was like hitting a home run in baseball: instant cool status with family and friends. An older altar server introduced me to the abundance of wine that was available to the altar servers. An Italian parish equals lots of wine! But I got caught by the priest and had to go to confession. I was terrified. I couldn’t let my Momma find out, or my brother, who put fear in me as a little kid. In confession the priest used that fear and groomed me to fear my own brother more than I feared the priest’s abuse.
The abuse itself lasted off and on for four years, till the end of my grade eight school year, but the festering parasitic infection it left behind changed me and my relationship with my brother and God forever.
Q. Val, I’m truly sorry that this happened to you. It’s devastating to think how young you were when this all began, and how long you have carried this pain. I know that your relationship with God is important to you. What do you want to share about your faith?
A. To get where I am today, I had to admit to myself that I was an ungodly man, and that finding God was important to me. God’s presence in my life today only occurred when I opened my heart at my absolute lowest point, after years of masking my pain with drugs and alcohol. I was basically living my life in constant fear of being discovered as a victim of sexual abuse by a priest. I imagined that someday, one of my suicide attempts would work. I hid behind this big tough facade of an intimidating buffoon of a man that feared nothing. When I finally took a deep dive and peeled back the last layer of the onion and got to the core of my pain, I found that God was absent from my life, and my spirituality was missing. I could not heal without a spiritual path.
Till I began to forgive, there would be no God. My healing truly began when I forgave my abuser and shed the hate and resentment that had driven me to the edge. Without forgiveness I was lost in a swirling pool of hate and resentment. Forgiveness gave me the ability to see without the haze and to make good decisions instead of using a thought process based on hatefulness and spite.
Q. Not everyone is able to, or even wants to, forgive after abuse, and it’s remarkable that you reached that point. Thank you for sharing that. Is there anyone who has been particularly helpful in your healing process?
A. There are so many people that have played a role in my overall renaissance! I don’t want to offend anyone by leaving them out! But on a spiritual level, I would like to mention Catherine Pead and Brenda Coleman from Concerned Lay Catholics. They truly opened my heart to see that lay people care and are willing to sacrifice to help abuse victims be heard.
Catherine said something that was very memorable to me. We were having some early discussions about the needs of abuse victims and she made an observation about what it must feel like to be a “good” priest lumped in with the “bad” ones. The concept of a good priest was not something I could wrap my head around until that moment. When I thought about how a minority of abusive priests could impact so many, my inner voice began to scream out at me. No matter what happens, that profession will always have a dark cloud over its head because of the bad priests. At that moment I felt that I was compelled to forgive my abuser because he was an alcoholic and so was I. I was also compelled to forgive my brother Ozzie. It’s all because Catherine said the right thing to me at the right time.
Q. Thank you for sharing that. Can you describe how you feel about the Church right now?
A. My relationship to the Church is complicated. I don’t hate it, not anymore. I have come to see it in terms of a business model rather than a spiritual one, given that it is run like a corporation. Thinking of the Catholic Church like a company allowed me to see the abuse completely differently. Rather than feeling alone, like I was swimming with sharks, I began to envision myself being part of a massive recall, like in an automotive company, but in need of spiritual repair. I pursued litigation with the “Roman Catholic Episcopal Corporation” and it was resolved fairly, just like an automotive recall. To me the Church feels more like a brand seeking better marketing than an institution in charge of spiritual development. I also feel that there is NO pope that can fix this with a simple wave of his arm. It requires the laity to take a stand and demand change from the Church.
Q. Is there anything that you’ve learned in your healing process that you think other abuse survivors might benefit from hearing?
A. Here’s a direct message to my brothers and sisters that have survived the carnage and are left to deal with the scars: Be not afraid of the dark, my friends. You are never alone in this journey. We can make the difficult walk together hand in hand, but you must ask for help. It is about simply changing your perspective just a little bit to see the light from a different angle and let it warm you from the inside out! Most importantly, my friends, you must stare down the face in the mirror and forgive yourself and bathe in the light of your forgiveness. God’s light cannot find you through the haze of hate and resentment.
Q. Val, thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. It’s an honor to hear it. I wish you continued healing. As we close, can you leave us with thoughts on what makes you feel strong?
A. What makes me strong is that I love my life again. I went from multiple suicide attempts and truly hating myself to the profound feeling that I have been blessed with an opportunity and purpose to make a difference in someone’s life, to be able to communicate my story to others in whatever capacity.
I am compelled to move forward to bring light into the Church with a helping hand held out, ready to reshape, reform, and revive the laity by sharing my story with whomever is willing to listen. I am working with the Recovery Speaking Initiative and Concerned Lay Catholics, organizations that are doing exactly what I have envisioned and have the same purpose I do. My wish is to help the laity understand that abuse victims are not some delicate flowers that can’t handle life because of the abuse. We are valuable members of society and we are all around you. We deserve the chance to be heard. An important part of my mission is to make myself available to the laity as a resource and to be a well of inspiration that runs deep with forgiveness and love rather than a burning hate. Thank you for this immense opportunity to share my story!
—Interview by Erin O’Donnell
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Val for sharing his story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Val’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Survivor Care Coordinator Esther Harber at estherharber@awakecommunity.org.
