Amy Pearce
“I want other survivors to be reassured that what happened was not their fault, that they are not alone, and that they are both lovable and loved.”
Awake: Amy, thank you for giving us the chance to hear your story. What would you like to tell the Awake community about your life?
Amy Pearce: I am 66 years old and was born and raised in Detroit, Michigan, in a Catholic family of nine children. A little over 26 years ago, I married a widower with two amazing children from Long Island, New York, where I currently live. I now have two grandsons who are 2 and 4 years old. My time with my grandsons adds so much light and joy to my life. They both enjoy music so we love to sing and dance when we’re together. I’ve done a lot of different things in my life. I worked as an administrative assistant at a rehab hospital for over ten years, and after I was married, I completed a master’s degree in pastoral counseling and spiritual care.
Q: Thanks for sharing these details. The time with your grandsons sounds terrific. If I can shift things, Amy, what would you be willing to share about your abuse?
A: I should start by explaining that I was sexually assaulted by a neighbor when I was 4 or 5. When the neighbor’s family begged my parents not to report this, my parents chose the perpetrator. Not only did they not report him, but no one ever told me that what he did to me was wrong. No one ever advised me what to do if this were to happen again. So I grew up believing there was something wrong with me that made me unworthy of anyone’s love, as not even my parents were willing to protect or comfort me. I also believe it set me up to be sexually abused again later in life.
When I was in high school, I was very depressed and had a lot of stress at home. My friends always came to me with their problems, but I never felt like I could talk to others about my own. When I found out the new priest in my parish did counseling out of the rectory, though, I decided to seek help at age 16.
I had been meeting with the priest for months—long enough for him to know how depressed and suicidal I was. He came to me one day and said that he knew this should never be done in a counselor/counselee relationship, but that he was going to do it anyway. He told me that he was leaving the priesthood and that he was in love with me. I remember walking around in a daze for weeks, feeling very scared and confused. I felt trapped. He was my counselor, so much older, and he was a priest. For months afterward, this priest had sexual encounters with me in various places, often in his office at the rectory. A nun who worked at the rectory called my parents expressing concern about my repeated visits with the priest. My parents approached me in a very accusatory and punitive manner, implying that I was to blame for whatever was going on with the priest. When they confronted him directly, he denied that anything was happening. Shortly afterward, I was finally able to tell the priest that I wanted it to stop and felt it was wrong. The priest remained in the parish for several months before finally leaving, but was very angry. Whenever I would see him, he would say hateful things to me, accusing me of “using him” and essentially blaming me for what happened. In the end, I was left with a tremendous amount of shame, guilt, and confusion.
The following year, a missionary priest came to our parish for the weekend. We exchanged addresses and wrote back and forth for a few months. I sought him out because I was so full of shame and felt a deep need for the sacrament of reconciliation, but I was too ashamed to speak with any of the other priests in my home parish. I wrote to the missionary and confessed to him about what had happened. He contacted me immediately to assure me that he did not think any less of me. Months later, he asked me to come see him in another state to say goodbye before he returned to his country. When I did, he sexually assaulted me as soon as we were alone. I still have such clear memories of leaving my body and floating up on the ceiling while it was happening. I could not fathom that a priest—one with whom I had entrusted this deep and vulnerable secret—would take such advantage. I told no one but my boyfriend at the time. Neither of us knew what to do, so we did nothing.
Years later, I trusted another priest with this story. He was my boss at an organization that ran retreats for young people. I was aching with guilt and still feeling so much shame. While “coaching” me on how to prevent this from happening again, my boss would place me on his lap and kiss and fondle me. I would again leave my body and float up to the ceiling, not knowing how to cope, believing that it was clearly my fault for allowing this to happen yet again. I wondered what was wrong with me and felt tremendous shame.
Q: Amy, it breaks my heart to hear all that you’ve suffered. I’m so sorry, especially about the fact that it happened multiple times. We’ve written about this on the Awake blog; it’s not uncommon for people who are sexually abused to have experienced previous trauma and abuse. This was not some failure on your part. Can you tell us a little about why you decided to share your story here?
A: I chose to share my story with the hope that something in it might help another survivor, first and foremost. Secondly, my hope is to promote learning in the Catholic community, for both priests and lay people, about what it is like to be a survivor and in particular, to help them better understand the long-lasting effects that abuse has on survivors.
Q: We’re grateful for your sharing, Amy. What has been the most challenging part of your journey as a survivor?
A: How persistent the effects of the abuse have been and the myriad of ways it has permeated my life and relationships. It has been hard to have spent so much of my adult life in therapy and yet continue to struggle with feelings of shame and pain from these experiences. The effects are so deep-seated that subconsciously I still question what is inherently wrong with me that both caused these events to occur and for me not to be “over it” by now. I do believe that my faith has been the main thing that has kept me moving forward.
Q: Your faith sounds like a tremendous gift. How would you describe your current relationship with the Catholic Church?
A: For many years after my abuse, I continued to be an active participant in the Catholic Church. For much of that time, I attended daily Mass and was very involved in my parish. Subconsciously I thought that if it was just me that was harmed, it didn’t matter (because as I had been taught, it was my fault anyway). However, when the abuse crisis became public, I was shocked to learn of both the extent of the issue as well as the despicable ways that the institution had been responding to these events. My heart breaks for the other survivors and this brings up so much anger and sadness in me. After the grand jury investigation in Pennsylvania (which is in fact one of the same events that prompted the beginnings of the Awake community), I found that I could no longer be part of the Catholic Church. There are parts of being Catholic that I really miss and this often triggers anger and hurt. I feel as if both my perpetrators and the institution have made it impossible for me to participate.
Q: That sounds really hard, Amy. I’m so sorry. Could you tell us about a person who has been particularly helpful in your healing and recovery process?
A: I have been in therapy off and on for most of my adult life in large part because of these traumas. That being said, only in the past two to three years did I find a trauma-informed therapist—actually a Ph.D. neuropsychologist—who is also educated in EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. I was nervous about trying this form of therapy and skeptical. However, I have learned so much more about how traumas live in our bodies, making traditional “talk therapy” less effective when it comes to promoting lasting healing. I cannot stress enough the importance of having a therapist who is trauma-informed, even if you decide not to do EMDR. I wish I had had this option many years ago.
Q: Thank you for sharing about EMDR and the importance of having a trauma-trained therapist. It’s so good that you found your therapist! What’s one important idea that you would like Catholics to understand about sexual abuse in the Church?
A: Sexual abuse by a member of the Catholic Church (priest or lay) causes serious trauma that never truly goes away. This trauma lives in one’s body and can be triggered at a moment’s notice. I have lived with so much shame over the fact that I am still coping with these traumas. Being a part of Awake and hearing from other survivors has helped me to see that I am not alone in this. This is not something we can just “get over.” Also, it is critical for Catholics to understand that when a survivor feels they can no longer participate in the sacraments, they should be treated with respect and compassion rather than judgment. Too often, I have heard Catholics assume that one has “lost their faith” if they have chosen to leave the Catholic Church.
Q: Amy, thank you for summoning the courage to talk about your journey. We’re rooting for you in your continued healing. As we close, what have you learned that you think other victim-survivors might benefit from hearing?
A: I want other survivors to be reassured that what happened was not their fault, that they are not alone, and that they are both lovable and loved. I would encourage any survivor who is not already participating in Awake to consider attending one of their many events. I have found it helpful to speak with other survivors who really understand my experiences in a unique way. Also, I am constantly amazed when engaging with Awake staff at their level of compassion, empathy, and nonjudgment. Because of this, Awake continues to play an integral role in my healing journey.
Q. It means a lot to hear this, Amy. Thank you!
—Interview by Erin O’Donnell
Note from Awake: We extend heartfelt thanks to Amy Pearce for sharing her story. We also want to acknowledge that every survivor’s path is different. We honor the journeys of all who have experienced sexual abuse by Catholic leaders and are committed to bringing you their stories. In addition to Amy’s story, we encourage you to read our previous Survivor Stories here.
If you have experienced sexual abuse, you can receive support through the National Sexual Abuse Hotline, 800-656-4673, which operates 24 hours a day. If you seek support from the Catholic Church, you can find the contact information for your diocesan victim assistance coordinator here. Also, Awake is always open to listening to and learning from survivors. If you would like to connect with us, we invite you to email Survivor Care Coordinator Esther Harber at estherharber@awakecommunity.org.
Awake is community that strives to be compassionate, survivor-centered, faithful, welcoming, humble, courageous, and hopeful. We thank you for choosing your words with care when commenting, and we reserve the right to remove comments that are inappropriate or hurtful.
